And yet I find my self at the computer trying to make sure I don't miss the world while I lay in bad...yet again. Somehow I always manage to get on the computer before I lay down.
Today when I got on the computer I thought once again "I need to lay down" I know I probably should have just taken my meds and laid my behind down. However I had to go to the Mother's board, then to Facebook, then My Space. The computer has been my main connection to the outside world for the last 4 years. It's how I stayed connected, how I got through the pain and loneliness. Some habits can not be broken so easily. Even now when I get to move around so much more, I still find myself craving the contact.
So longing for the contact takes me into the strangeness I'm living. Now, when I've been alone for so long it's weird to be visible. When I didn't have anyone and needed someone I was totally alone. Now all the sudden he (my husband) kisses me when he leaves for work, he holds me when I'm lonely, he touches me with passion. It's strange and it's wonderful. Confusing and scary. I'm constantly wondering...is it real?
Our therapist says to look at the wonderful. Yet it's so hard, there were so many years with out someone who truly cared for me. Hmmm, now we are starting all over again. With the little touches, the hugs and the little things that I've missed so much. Even as I'm thanking God I'm questioning the course of all this... the current course of my life. But.... don't we all?
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