My mind has recently concluded that I have purged most of my irrational fears concerning the recent events in my psyche. I did have an irrational moment of fear but it was not what one would expect after living through the last 4 years.
My momentary panic was actually in reaction to the thought of losing Torrey. In the past this was a common occurrence. Especially in the early years of our relationship. However after this many years that fear was gradually replaced by others.
even after the revelations of January 6th, I did not fear that. I actually wouldn't have minded if one of the past ex-gf's had come to claim him. It would have been all too fitting.
Now as we begin to re-connect, slowly binding and mending what had become so frayed. I have began to fear to lose what I have regained.
Today I wrongly accused him of contacting his most recent ex. I had found several numbers in our phone bill that had had the same area code and city as her cell. He denied it fervently but considering his recent track record I was loathe to believe him.
Being the just woman that I am, I went over the bill again trying to prove him right and me wrong. It wasn't long before I figured out my error. I had mistakenly taken my new gf's cell for his ex-gf's cell. They are both from Cali. I quickly called Torrey back to apologized. I told him I was wrong and what I had done. It didn't go over very well. He hung up on me.
Now I understand why he was mad, he has been trying very hard to make amends. but does HE understand, I mean really understand why I can't just blindly believe him anymore?
When he finally deaned to call me back, almost an hour later he was very unhappy. He didn't like being accused of something he hadn't done. He said "I've been trying SO hard and that really hurt." I'm sure it did but what about the YEARS of hurt that he has caused me.
It's hard to sympathize with all that hurt still rising to the surface so often. and yet here I am having that moment of fear, fear of losing the man that has caused me so much pain. Them I remember that before the pain there were years of maybe not euphoria but I was content and he was a good husband.
If I am really getting that man back again. If he really is falling back in love with me the way I am with him. Then maybe it's okay to have those moments. Maybe that fear is healthy and will keep me focused on taking care of me from now on. Maybe losing that fear is what helped get me into the mess that we are fighting to get out of now.
My momentary panic was actually in reaction to the thought of losing Torrey. In the past this was a common occurrence. Especially in the early years of our relationship. However after this many years that fear was gradually replaced by others.
even after the revelations of January 6th, I did not fear that. I actually wouldn't have minded if one of the past ex-gf's had come to claim him. It would have been all too fitting.
Now as we begin to re-connect, slowly binding and mending what had become so frayed. I have began to fear to lose what I have regained.
Today I wrongly accused him of contacting his most recent ex. I had found several numbers in our phone bill that had had the same area code and city as her cell. He denied it fervently but considering his recent track record I was loathe to believe him.
Being the just woman that I am, I went over the bill again trying to prove him right and me wrong. It wasn't long before I figured out my error. I had mistakenly taken my new gf's cell for his ex-gf's cell. They are both from Cali. I quickly called Torrey back to apologized. I told him I was wrong and what I had done. It didn't go over very well. He hung up on me.
Now I understand why he was mad, he has been trying very hard to make amends. but does HE understand, I mean really understand why I can't just blindly believe him anymore?
When he finally deaned to call me back, almost an hour later he was very unhappy. He didn't like being accused of something he hadn't done. He said "I've been trying SO hard and that really hurt." I'm sure it did but what about the YEARS of hurt that he has caused me.
It's hard to sympathize with all that hurt still rising to the surface so often. and yet here I am having that moment of fear, fear of losing the man that has caused me so much pain. Them I remember that before the pain there were years of maybe not euphoria but I was content and he was a good husband.
If I am really getting that man back again. If he really is falling back in love with me the way I am with him. Then maybe it's okay to have those moments. Maybe that fear is healthy and will keep me focused on taking care of me from now on. Maybe losing that fear is what helped get me into the mess that we are fighting to get out of now.
Powered by ScribeFire.
No comments:
Post a Comment